Insignificant

I do have stuff to do.  Lots of stuff.

But here is where my mind takes me:

Who even knows WHAT I am doing ... And if I didn't do it, who would know ...

The definition of insignificant, according to Webster, as an adjective = meaningless; without weight of character; unimportant; too small to be important.  And as a noun = a word, thing, or person without significance.  Related words = trivial; undistinguished; unmeaning; unimportant

Feeling pretty much insignificant today.

But really, it goes much further than just what I am doing.  "Doing" doesn't really much matter ... really. 

Pretty sure, the feeling of MY insignificance here relates totally to my heart.  No matter, how HARD I try (and I do), I am unable to reach the place where it is okay that I am of no importance to someone whom I connected to so thoroughly.  

Today, is a day (along with the last 4), that I would willingly trade how deeply I believe my love to be, with a belief that love never existed.  

It's very difficult to walk into a place where you found the ultimate connection to someone, a year ago ... where you found happiness that startled you magnificent ... where you felt "known" as never before ... where you became alive and animated with the full intensity of life ... and now feel invisible, insignificant, as if you are being avoided.  It's harder still, to not be given a reason why.

If someone had told me a little less than a year ago that I would be given someone to have this connection to, BUT that it would be taken away just as magically as it appeared ... I would have called them a liar.  I guess because that's just not how it is suppose to work.  The thought never even entered my mind, that a gift would come ... then walk away.  Gifts are suppose to be held on to and treasured.  Cultivated.  Cherished. 

I don't know how to go from significant to insignificant. 
Or how to go from feeling special to someone to being no one.

I have had broken relationships before.  But there is nothing in my previous experience that could have warned me or armed me with the strength to get through what I am going through right now.  (Most likely, because, I can't even get a grip on "what IS going on" right now!!!)  

What I know is that the purest form of connection embraced me.  Whole.

For the first time in my life, I am going to be all-out selfish ... I want my gift back!!!  (or a reason why it has to be taken from me) 

For my Security, Terri