Inadequate ... Yet grateful

My ex’s girlfriend moved into the ex’s house in August. (The one he started dating 2 months after separation, which was a year and two months BEFORE divorce) At least once a month they have family dinners on a Sunday. Her girls, my boys. Shane invariably comes home with packed up leftovers. Tonight was no different … except maybe a more “excitable” tone in his voice as he told me, “Got lots of food! It was soooooooo good!! Tuna Casserole … Chicken Casserole ……….. this is what I like to take for my lunches …. “

I’m “grateful” that they feed my child.

I’m “grateful” that his father is involved in his life in this way.

I’m “grateful” that there is nutritious food to send with my child for lunch.

These are the moments though that I feel “failure” and a huge inadequacy as the mom. First of all, because it is not at my home where 9 people are gathering to “break bread”; and secondly, because more often than not, I am unable to even afford the ingredients that go into these “wonderful” casseroles that Shane brought home……

Maybe it just “hurts” a little more than usual today after the day I had … buying a replacement cell phone for a daughter half way across the county whose phone died and then trying to sell the “married life” beautiful dining room ensemble in order to pay off another child’s dentist bill.