HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY!! ... and other ramblings ...

Today, my oldest is 24! And though I didn't get to spend any part of this special day with him, I thought of him all day.  He, is in Kansas City ... on a business trip ... all, grown up.  Why, as a mother, is it difficult to see your child "all grown up"?  Sometimes.  It is strange at times, how it feels when you "realize", hell, at 24 I was "all grown up" and into a "career" and ready to get married and been living on my own for 7 years and....... so, why is it that your child feels younger than you were at his same age? ?  Silly, I know.  This will be the second year in a row that mommy did not get to make a birthday cake, put candles in it, and sing Happy Birthday to him along with his three siblings ... so, of course, I go back through the 24 years in my heart to hold on to my "little boy" ... this, is NOT in order to cling to his little boyishness; it is more a "process" of the heart that makes a remarkable WOW statement of how far he has come and a swelling of pride in every one of his accomplishments ... it is a love story of mother watching son become a man.  A story that I rejoice in ... and yes, wish that we could have shared some part of this day together.  Somewhere, "Mommy" became "Mom".  It is both a bounty of blessing and a choked up mix of feelings when you realize that Mom turns into a solo journey ... another process of transformation into being something different, once again.  A woman's dance is so multi-faceted ... you get used to one dance, and it is time to either slow it down or pick up speed and learn some new moves!!  Happy Birthday to my first born ... I am 24 more years proud of you than the day you were born ... and though it didn't seem possible 24 years ago, I love you even more!! ~ 

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Petula Clark!!  1965 ... DOWNTOWN ...    



Petula Clark - Downtown - WEB.DE Video

(Anybody notice that word 'DANCE' in the background of Petula's stage set!!!!???) :)

I was a little girl; only 5.  And I remember this song and how I loved to sing it!  My Dad, a big music lover (and I don't really know why I associate my Dad and not my Mom with music).  Music played so often in our home and on hundreds of car rides.  When I have heard this song over the years, I always feel some kind of nostalgia ... and it always seems to play at a time where there is some feel of loneliness in my life.  But I smile when I hear this song ... because I see that little 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 year old little girl with the long blonde ponytail singing away at the top of her lungs!  Petula Clark ... what kind of name is Petula!?  :)  I can see the album cover now ...
I have heard this song a couple times over the last couple weeks, and again tonight ... watching LOST again!  And as I sit here writing this, I feel something unexplainable, but having to do with the words (feel) of  "lost" and "lonely".  It is not in this blog (or maybe in any of my writing) to figure out this association, but in the way of life sometimes, I seem to be in a thrust of these two words.  Many "losses" in the last few years has created a type of "lonely" life-style ... for now.  Some "losses" are meant to be; others are forced and out of your control; some are complicated and can be retrieved, if the willingness to work on retrieval is there and worth it.  ... 

There was another powerful moment in conversation tonight as I watched LOST:
"What am I suppose to do now?"   ...  "Whatever comes next." ...was the answer.  I like that.